How long has it been since I’ve blogged here? Well . . . let’s just say that I had to get a password reminder. But, apparently I need to do this more often because I realize that it gives me peace. And what I need right now? Is peace!
I’ve entered 2015 completely backward. I’m edgy, and last night after expressing dissatisfaction about my computer (in my mind, the entire point of a computer is to have a machine that moves FASTER than your brain), the unreliability of my corporate VPN, why my new DirecTV DVR can’t serve the primary function of consistently recording ALL EPISODES of a series, the fact that I couldn’t locate my corporate cell phone, how I can’t spend more time marketing Naturals by Gina B. (and what in the hell was I thinking when I launched that company, anyway?), why I’m not in great shape, how I can never seem to get ahead of my housework (laundry is my life) — all in FIVE MINUTES, I arrived at the realization that I’m irritated about something at least 50% of the time. And after going on a verbal tear about all of this, I look over at the BF and inform him of my constant irritation (as though this is news to him). Nonplussed, he calmly replied, “yes, I’ve noticed,” before quietly going back to play a video game on his iPad (another irritation, but also the least of my worries at this point).
After a night of restless sleep with intermittent rumination, I wondered why I’m the one who always seems to be struggling. Most of my friends are overachievers (WAY busier than me — I’m the slacker of my friends) and manage to just keep it moving without being crabby. Is it just my disposition (maybe)? What are they doing that I’m not?! Granted a percentage of my friends feel the same way that I do, and think that irritation is a part of being an adult. Others manage it very well.
And then I came to a realization. They relax, and they take vacations. A novel concept, right?
Rewind to earlier last night. Having dinner with friends, we were talking about travel and how most of our travel is work-related and while we might go to interesting places periodically, they’re really just momentary changes of scenery. Our friend Bianca asked when we were taking a vacation. My answer, in short? Probably never. Why? Well . . . that’s yet another source of irritation. But it has to do with scheduling and planning and how I can’t plan if we can’t schedule. The more I thought about it, the more my mood went downhill.
Reflecting on years past, I always took time off around the holidays. My very favorite Christmas in life was over three years ago when I dragged the BF kicking and screaming to Jamaica for 11 days. But I returned rejuvenated, having had time to lay on the beach and do nothing but think and accept cocktails from eager servers. I received the new year with open arms and determination.
Last year was a very different story. Lots of stress factors and absolutely no breaks. For the first time in years, I worked straight through the holidays because, why not? I used to think that vacation was optional, and now I’m coming to believe that it’s mandatory. And the fact that I live with a workaholic who as much as told me that he has no desire to stop grinding in favor of a vacation means that I’m going to have to find a different way to build some relaxation into my schedule, at least on a small scale. This will be interesting, because I’m not really a relaxer, per se. I used to get regular massages, which were relaxing until last year when I had my neck/back issues and had to get regular massages that were more painful than anything. Now, getting on the massage table is a reminder of trauma. Scratch that.
I might have to start working out again, which will also solve the problem of my being in bad shape. I used to be a workout fiend but I’ve recently been relying on my genetics, which will only carry me so far. We’ll see how that works. If I can ever get past the irritation of figuring out what my new plan will entail. (It never stops, does it?)